Stay
by bluejayzombie
Summary: Maura Isles lives for fleeting moments behind closed doors. / JM. Mentions of JC. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** Rizzoli & Isles and related characters belong to Tess Gerristen, Janet Tamaro and TNT.

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**Stay**

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Maura Isles lives for fleeting moments behind closed doors. The four walls that surround her remain the only witnesses to the illicit affair that has gone on for far too long. Only they have seen the stolen kisses between her very best friend and herself. Jane Rizzoli is her very best friend first and foremost, and though Maura is terribly awkward around the living, and had not known true friendship until she met Jane, she knows that Jane means so much more to her than a best friend should. Maura wants _more_ of Jane than she should want of a best friend.

What Maura wants is _all_ of Jane, but she only gets pieces of her at a time, never the whole of Jane.

Sometimes Maura wants to slip beneath her sheets and bury her face in the pillow that smells so strongly of Jane and cry and cry and cry, until there is nothing left of her. She wants to let go of the sorrow and regret and anger and the guilt—god, the guilt is like poison, seeping out through every pore, melting the warm façade she carefully constructs every morning. And when letting go is not an option, she holds onto her connection to Jane and gives her more of herself to her friend than Jane has ever given her.

God, how could she give so much to this woman who she believe loves her in her own way, but is willing to leave her broken every time she walks away? This is not how she imagined her relationship with Jane Rizzoli would ever be, with Jane holding her heart in a way no one before her ever had. Sometimes Maura wants to opt out, to walk away and regain control of who she is and be a person who had morals, but her heart beats for Jane and she feels Jane cradling it in her scarred hands, squeezing it until her chest constricts and her lungs burn because she just can't force herself to draw in a breath of oxygen she needs to survive.

What has she become?

Where is Maura Isles, and where is her integrity?

In place of solid principles, there are now feelings that she had once believed to be banished by the love Jane and her family showered her with daily.

And now what is she?

Tired.

Alone.

Desperate.

Pathetic.

Crack open a dictionary. Is her name in bold, slotted in the definition for any of these words? Is her picture next to the words like a mug shot?

Maura pulls a dictionary off of the bookshelf in her bedroom and runs her hand over the dusted cover. She decides that she needs to know. Blowing remaining dust from the front cover, she makes her way to the foot of her bed and perches herself on the edge. Her fingers slip between the pages and she cracks the book open. It doesn't take her long to reach the word _alone_—right at the beginning.

There it is. Her face takes up the entirety of the page, the word alone scrawled beneath her picture in large block letters. Maura blinks once and her picture is gone, replaced by words she memorized long ago.

_Alone [adjective]: separate, apart, or isolated from others._

She slams the book shut and throws it across the room, angry because she knows that in the end this is what she will be. Maura will give her heart and her body and she will ultimately end up alone. Thirty-six years of this has prepared her for the worst. The act of giving all of herself to those who matter most to her and watching as they choose a life without her is routine, a constant in her life that will eventually prove that Jane is no different than the others. The knowledge that she would lose Jane was not enough to keep from turning away when she still could, and god—why couldn't it have been enough?

The clock on the table beside her bed flashes the time in bright green letters, indicating that it is past ten in the evening. Maura can't tear her eyes from it, knowing that at any second—

The bedroom door clicks shut and the lock slides into place. Maura is watching the numbers flash but she can vividly picture Jane leaning back against the door with her arms across her chest, can feel dark eyes burning into her. Maura is sure that a single eyebrow will rise and the corner of her mouth will lift into a slight smile, and her arms will drop to her sides when Maura decides to look her way.

Maura looks away from the clock and lets out a soft sigh when Jane drops her arms and closes the distance between them. Maura would never have labeled Jane Rizzoli as predictable—nor would the word _cheater_ ever be applied to her, but here they are. However, their encounter will not occur the same as those in the past.

Maura will not shed her clothes and let Jane slip past barriers only she has been able to knock down. Maura will not indulge in the taste of Jane's skin or the sweet smell that draws her in every time. And Maura certainly will not let herself be broken by Jane Rizzoli. Maura will not be with Jane in the most intimate way. Maura will not offer her body and soul and everything that she is and receiving only Jane's body and nothing more in return. There will be no hollow declarations of love and Jane will not hold her after hours of lovemaking. Maura is ending this now because she knows that there will never be a reprieve from this agony if she doesn't.

Although Maura does not beg, she will admit to considering the act of kneeling and holding onto her lover and pleading with her to stay. Quiet reassurances that Jane will one day be only hers forever and always are not enough and it is getting too easy for Maura to believe these empty words. Maura knows that Jane does not speak the truth because she still chooses to leave her bed and go home to Casey, the man she loves. And Maura can't live like this anymore.

Warm hands settle on her cheeks and Jane is suddenly leaning over her, lifting her face to kiss her deeply. Maura closes her eyes and kisses back even as tears dampen her cheeks and her heart breaks because this is the last time she will ever feel Jane against her. Jane pulls away slowly and the pads of her fingers gently wipe away thick tears. The bed sinks down beside her and Maura opens her eyes to see Jane sitting close to her. The length of their arms brush against each other with every breath and Jane reaches out to cover Maura's hand and intertwine their fingers.

"Why are you crying, Maur?" Jane questions softly, dark eyes showing only concern.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Maura demands, swiping angrily at her eyes.

Jane stares at her with wide, surprised eyes. "What are you talking about?" she asks in a level voice.

Maura lifts herself off of her bed and crosses her arms over her chest, takes a step back when Jane moves toward her. "You stay right where you are, Jane," Maura tells her firmly. "I can't be near you. Do you understand me? You think that I'm okay with this arrangement, but I'm not. You know damn well that I'm in love with you. I am _so_ in love with you… so much that I let you come into my house—into my bed—and take whatever you're willing to give me when I know that I will never have all of you. You take so much of me and then you leave me broken. Your heart might belong to Casey, but mine belongs to you. You have my heart, Jane Rizzoli, and I want it back. Give it back."

Jane is silent for a few moments, face toward the ground. "I don't want to, Maura," she says finally as she meets Maura's eyes, her own eyes red from unshed tears that are nearly spilling over. "You know I love you. God, Maura, I love you so much it hurts sometimes."

"I love you so much that hurts all the time. I can't _ever_ stop hurting. Don't you get that, Jane? You are hurting me, and I need it to stop," Maura says firmly, pounding her fist against her chest over her heart. "I need you to go because my heart can't take much more of this."

"I've had to make some decisions lately—" Jane's voice cracks and she swallows loudly. "We've been together for over a year. I couldn't just—I'm not a monster."

"Every second I'm away from you, I feel like there's nothing left of me because you have all of me. I want it all back."

"Maura, please—just give me a chance to—"

Maura is seething. "A chance to what, to kiss me and fuck me and then leave my arms to lie in Casey's? I don't think so. Not again." she spits out venomously, "You can't give me what I need, so you can give me what I want and get out of my house."

Jane opens her mouth to respond when a shrill tune cuts through the air and halts the conversation in its tracks. Maura knows whom the ringtone belongs to without having to ask.

"I love you, Jane," Maura tells her quietly, "but I can't do this anymore. You can't use me like this anymore. I have to find someone who can give me what I need."

Jane hesitates in answering the phone. It sits in her pocket, buzzing faintly as it vibrates.

"Go ahead and answer it," Maura encourages her as tears sting her eyes again, "Just like you always do."

When Jane pulls the phone from her pocket, Maura turns around and covers her mouth with both hands. Her eyes squeeze shut against an onslaught of tears but they spill out over her cheeks anyway. This situation has played out too many times for her to imagine something good coming out of it. The tone Jane uses when she picks up the phone, the familiar greeting she always gives Casey—it's enough to make Maura sick to her stomach. A sob threatens to break through her hands.

"Maura Isles, you turn around right now."

It's only when Jane speak to her, slow and deliberate, that Maura notices the lack of that sickly-sweet voice and her usual greeting. It feels like a hammer is knocking against her head but she turns and faces her lover, fully surprised as she watches Jane slide her finger across the screen. The phone powers down in her hand and she tosses it aside, not seeing where it lands as her eyes lock onto Maura's.

"I need you to listen to me, Maura. I am not going anywhere," Jane tells her softly. "I love you, Maura, and you're right. This has not been fair to you because I haven't been able to give you everything that you need. I know that, and I've been taking the steps to change. Casey has been calling me at all hours for the last two weeks because the last time I walked out of his apartment, I left my copy of his house key on the kitchen counter and told him that I would not be coming back, but you wouldn't know that because I needed some time to figure out where to go from there. And I know showing up at your house when I know Ma is probably in bed doesn't seem like the best way to approach you because it seems like I'm only here for sex, but I'm here. I am here and I am willing to give you everything, Maura. I want to give you all of me and I want to show you that you are loved completely, if you'll have me."

Maura watches as Jane drops her eyes to the floor and blinks to keep her tears from falling because _damn it, she is Jane Rizzoli and she does not cry_ but Maura moves without a second thought and she lifts her hands to cradle her strong jaw and repeatedly covers Jane's mouth in soft kisses. Jane responds immediately and soon Maura feels the teasing touch of her detective against her tongue.

When air becomes a pressing need they separate while remaining close enough for their lips to brush as Maura speaks in a low voice, "What do you say we start over? I want to be with you, but something has to change if we are going to make this work."

"I know. That's part of the reason I stayed away after I broke things off with Casey. I needed to do some thinking about our relationship, and figure out what steps I need to take to make things right with you." Jane murmurs. "I know I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I want to be with you and only you."

"We need to just take this one day at time, Jane. Can you do that with me?"

"Of course I can," Jane confirms. "And as long as we're starting over, I want to know if you would like to go on a date with me—our first real date, which might include a picnic in the park and some of that mint ice cream you love so much. Unless you would rather go to a nice restaurant? I don't particularly care where we go, as long as I'm with you."

"I think a picnic sounds wonderful," Maura murmurs in approval. She buries her face in the crook of her lover's neck and places light kisses to the soft skin under her lips. This is the first time Maura has felt truly loved by Jane and she knows without a doubt that this feeling will remain with her, because Jane has never turned off her phone the way she did tonight or even hinted at actually leaving Casey the way she apparently did without telling her. And never has Jane admitted to being in love with Maura with as much conviction as she did tonight.

"I should leave," Jane says and Maura can feel her words as they are spoken. "Sleep well, honey," she whispers and kisses blonde hair before drawing away slowly.

"I sleep best when you're holding me," Maura says as she looks up at Jane with a soft smile. She reaches out to take both of her hands and slowly guides her toward the bed. "Why don't you stay?"

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_finis_


End file.
